I’ve been in the blogging game since Steve Irwin was torturing wildlife, Kevin Rudd was an avuncular kitten-man and Buzzfeed was just a twinkle in Beelzebub’s compound eye. But things have changed around here. In this whirlwind world of ISIS, ice and Instagram, decent, happy-go-lucky variety blogs just don’t cut it any more. “Pick a genre and stick to it,” the punters cry, “we can’t handle any possible confusion because of nude selfies and the apocalyptic atrophy of meaning.” Well I’m not the kind of person who thinks he’s better than the fickle and bestial masses, so I decided to go with the trend and try my hand at writing a specific type of blog. Unfortunately, my efforts thus far have ended poorly.
• My Fashion Blog, “50 Shades of Gingham”, taught readers to make a huge variety of chic, unique in-season outfits using nothing but a small checkered tablecloth. Although the blog contained literally thousands of photos of small checkered tablecloths imaginatively draped over my naked body, I had to shut it down after a series of inexplicable DoS attacks from deeply confused Men’s Rights Activists.
• My Food Blog, “The Yumpire” was suspended on the recommendation of the World Health Organisation after I was accused of exacerbating the West African Ebola crisis with certain recipes prosecutors are describing as “unwholesome”. I can’t comment further for legal reasons.
• My Mummy Blog, “Momma’s First Steps”, was extremely popular until the #Mumfest2014 convention when my claims of motherhood were discovered to be fraudulent. Somebody worked out that my children, Symphony (5) and Tybalt (2) were actually just meat offcuts and Christmas tree decorations I’d strategically staple-gunned together. The whole thing kind of unraveled from there.
So clearly I have no option left but a travel blog, and by lucky coincidence I’m going away for five months tomorrow. The current plan is thee weeks in Indonesia, three and a half months in india, a fortnight in Cambodia and a fortnight in Vietnam before I return in the heart of Winter, when I shall be needed most. I hope you guys are ready to be rocked by tedium and rollicked by jealousy as I serve you up a heady cocktail of puns, anecdotes, and problematic romanticisation of third world poverty.
Strap yourself in for the digital slideshow of a lifetime – Swami Benjami is coming to town.